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At this hour, I can't seem to close my eyes and go to sleep. Maybe one reason is because I slept to much earlier coz I wasn't feeling well. Secondly, coz I'm just plain sad. I'm keeping it a secret.

Since young I have been trying my best to prove to myself that i'm capable of doing well and to show others that i'm better than expected. I don't believe in taking too heart all those criticism. I know if I want something I can do it. But as I grow, my spirit is not as strong as before. My spirit has taken its toll. I can see all the years of bruising and hurt. Maybe last time I dont see it all coz I'm more ignorant of those surrounding me. I live in my own shell where I set my rules and I follow my dreams regardless of what others expect me.

But now as an adult, I realise that I'm not good after all. I have major flaws. I'm incapable and incompetent in everything I do. I'm not as good as what I believe I am. I heard so many times from people around me that I'm useless as a wife, incapable as a mother and incompetent as a teacher. I must be trully good at telling myself otherwise coz I took quite sometimes to realise my flaws. Usually I would just ignore. I'm just plain tired ignoring. I cant cook, do housework, take care of kids or even teach. I just plain USELESS! Ya, I dont need any respect from anyone. I'm not any superwoman. My heart doesnt made of stone. Mine is beating and fill with blood but its seems noone cares if its hurt, prick or bled to death. Noone cares if it requires mending. Usually I mend it myself, consoling, comforting and denying.

I am my real best friend. The only 1 that cry with me, laugh with me, accompany me 24/7 and definitely understands me. I'm so glad I have u my best friend even though u can be my worst enemy too. Right now, in the stillness of the night I only have you. You can feel and think with me. Ok, we better stop crying and go to bed. We have work tomorrow. Time wont stand still for us. I need u. So please my spirit, dont die on me any sooner. I need you to go on with life. I need to rekindle the fire inside u so that I could fight on. I know you are sore at times. I'm trying my best to make all the pain to disappear although it can be unsuccessful at times.

So now my bestfriend. Let's get some rest. We have to fight again tomorrow.

Fri, after my school sports day. My frens and I went to HPB to see Taufik at HealthZone since he is the anti-smoking ambassador. Actually I planned to bring Faezin. He loves Taufik. But on Thurs I was told I cant bring him coz he might not be able to go into the auditorium. I was quite sad coz I think my little one is a bigger fan than me. My 'screaming and idolizing' times is over. It end with KRU. Lol. On that day itself, surprise...surprise...2 of frens had their kids with them. Although I was quite happy to listen and see Taufik live, but at the back of my head my thoughts went to my son. When I went home, I should him a video clip of Taufik that I recorded with my hp.

After that he keep asking when can he see Taufik. I was so sad. I wanted to bring him to HealthZone on Saturday but noone can accompany me. I cant go out too far with Faezin and Fitri. Too much work and stress. So I keep telling my son that we will go next time and promised him that my hubby and I will bring him to the airport to see planes today. He was happy. Hopefully he will forget his disappointment for the time being until I can find out where I can bring him to see Taufik. And for the first time in so many years, I became a fan again...now a Fiknatic. All this for my son.